The thing is, I married an engineer. A nice, clever, exceedingly reliable engineer type chap. Nothing shocking there, I know. We pootled along quite nicely in the early stages, he even bought me 21 red roses for my 21st birthday; I know - romance truly displayed by engineer-brained man!
Everyone knows though, that relationships don't stay the same. We've been together over a decade now; got married, had two children, bought a family house, changed jobs etc etc. Now, life is different, and romance isn't top of either of our agendas. However - and herein lies the rub - it's much nearer the top of my agenda than it is on his. So - what to do next... Is there a way to keep us both happy?
There's a well known book called 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. See http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
It looks at how different people feel loved, by looking at what speaks to them:
- affirming words
- physical touch
- thoughtful gifts
- quality time
- acts of service
A wise man once told me that in order to remain 'in love' with your spouse, you have to keep doing the things you did when you were first together. Feelings are fickle beasts, and will follow on if we perservere with loving our partner. So - what did we do?? Well, one thing I know Paul really likes is going for long walks in the countryside - preferably with several maps etc... So last week when his parents had the boys for us, that's what we did. Quality time - check, affirming words - check, acts of service - check (if you count him helping me over a wobbly stile!)
So I'd like to know (with family friendly content - you know what I mean...) what things your other half has done for you that have helped you feel loved? How do you keep the romance in your relationship? It's over to you...
When I was pregnant I felt ill and tired the whole way through and my husband looked after me. I've always been very independent and our relationship has been very much a partnership but being looked after when I needed it was very special for me, as was Matt getting me through labour - I think that has bonded our relationship like nothing else. Since then we have struggled quite a lot - we just haven't had so much time for our relationship in the whirlwind of having a new baby, but we're starting to get there a little bit.
ReplyDeleteI'm married to and engineering type (not by trade but from a family of engineers and with an engineer's brain!). He's also marvellous at acts of service and doesn't really get the affirming words and gifts thing that I like.
ReplyDeleteHis ultimate idea of showing love is to get me on the top of a mountain with some rocky ridges and a several hundred feet drop at either side so I can experience with him the wonder of reaching the top. This has led to many arguments and tears on rainy slopes. Organising holidays was also a bit tricky for the first few years. We've kind of worked through this now, thankfully!
I did the love languages test and it came out with affirming words, touch and gifts (no mention of death-defying feats on cliffs). However, while I was answering the questions I felt a bit bemused. The choices it offered seemed a bit odd - do I prefer fantastic presents or him doing stuff around the house (I'm not sure that was an actual choice, but you get the gist)?
He's not massively into gifts so I feel the lack there, but would I give up the amazing stuff he does to help me and the way he is able to treat the chores and household responsibilities as a joint venture? No way. I love him for that.
A lot of the questions also seemed impossible to answer. I can't say "I couldn’t ask for any better gifts than the ones my husband gives me" because I could, or I know my husband loves me because he surprises me with gifts.
Neither can I say him doing the laundry makes me feel loved - but we wouldn't be married if he couldn't do that.
Then there are the ones like this: "My husband tells me I look good, and I like that." Well, my husband doesn't really tell me that unless I tell him to, and then I don't like it because he only said it because he has to. So I can't click that one.
He looked at the quiz on my laptop while I was making his lunch.
"I love cuddling with my husband. I love surprise gifts from my husband," he read out loud. "Do you have to pick one or t'other or both?!" (He really did say t'other - I blame 10 years in Southampton.)
I laughed and gave my little rant about how the quiz doesn't work because you pick the one that's lacking if you like both.
He confidently decided I preferred the hugs over the gifts, and looked genuinely surprised when I disagreed.
"I just take what I can get," I said with a shrug.
Now, with a little reflection, I've decided I'm just greedy for his love. Affirmation, gifts and touch are massively important to me and I often feel that he doesn't understand that or can't give them in a way I would like. But equally, quality time and acts of service are the bedrock of our relationship and if they had been removed to make way for the other 'languages' I don't think we would have got married in the first place.
Maybe I'm just odd in wanting them all. Maybe I'm just lucky to have a husband it's worth working these things through with.
Now, if only we could get our men to start blogging on and chatting to their mates about issues like this. Then we might have a better chance of getting somewhere soonish!
A final question back to you: How many men take a love languages test without being asked to by their partner?
Hmmm, sorry that was so long. Got a bit carried away!
ReplyDeleteThe best story I have was from before we were married, in the house we were to live in together. We had this tiny galley kitchen where you really couldn't pass by one another without a lot of effort. But the bathroom was on the other side of the kitchen to the lounge, so it was a bit of a thoroughfare. Anyway, I used to try and pass by him without touching him if he was doing jobs in the kitchen, purely because it I'm not really a touch person and it really bugs me if people mess with me when I'm trying to get something done! When we looked at the love language stuff (and yes Rachel, he only did it because I asked him to!) it turned out that touch was pretty much the top of his list. So one of the things I changed was that every time I had to pass him in our tiny kitchen, instead of trying not to touch him, I'd make the effort to skim my hand over his back, or touch his shoulders or whatever.
ReplyDeleteI seriously could not believe the difference this made. Just that tiny thing made such a huge difference. I'd struggled a bit when we did the quiz etc because we did it before we were married and I couldn't factor in how we could incorporate physical touch when we'd decided not to have sex. I didn't know how I could meet his need for touch whilst keeping that covenant, but it was actually really easy.
So there we are, my best example!