Has anyone seen my show-off gene? (or La la laaaa 2)

I've had another couple of singing lessons now.  (I know - it's taken us a while to get going - we're very busy people...)  The thing that continues to strike me, is how frustrating it is being a bit shy.

This is so very true in singing. I can sing so much better when I'm relaxed.  I can hit notes I thought were well out of the reach of a die-hard alto like me. 

I understand why this is.  Everything seems to tighten in my throat / pharynx / larynx when I'm nervous...  Why I'm nervous doesn't seem to matter.  The same thing happens whether I'm worried about what the people listening are thinking, or if there's just a tricky / high note or phrase coming up.  I guess I just need to learn to chill out, and practice deliberately relaxing those muscles...  Easier said than done though.

It's times like this that I wish I was more of a show-off, hence the blog title.  There are times in life when it's easier to be a 'look at me!' sort of person.  I used to wish for this when I was teaching antenatal classes; but actually - once I got into it - I actually quite enjoyed it.  For me in this context, confidence came through feeling like I knew what I was talking about.

Singing seems different though somehow.  There are so many uncontrollable variables.  Will my voice crack?  Will I breathe in the right place - or will I run out of air halfway through?  Will I hit that note, or end up flat?  Will people like what they hear?  The list is endless...

Helpfully, the place I sing most in public - is in church.  When other people can hear me, it's generally because I'm leading the worship at the front - and thus I have a microphone.  Singing in this context is immensely liberating, as I know a number of vital things:

1. The people there are there to focus on God - not on me
2. I'm singing primarily for God, the fact that this then helps lead others is secondary
3. Most of the people there know me, and love me - so they're not going to be bothered if I throw in a bum note occasionally. (This is just as well - as the likelihood of a wrong note increases exponentially when I'm playing the guitar as well!)

I'm hoping the fact that I'm not naturally a performer actually glorifies God all the more.  I offer up to Him my shyness, along with everything else; knowing that this is the God who turns water into wine, ashes into beauty and desperation into hope.  All things are possible with God...  I just have to remember that when I'm reaching for the high notes!

A side order of self-confidence

Have you ever wished you could just go to the super market and buy something completely ethereal? I know I have...  When the boys were small, I used to wish (and sometimes still do actually) that I could just go and buy 48 hours sleep.  Or maybe a second pair of hands...

I think we can probably all list a number of impossible purchases that would make our lives better / easier / less stressful.  Personally, at the moment, I would really like a portion of boldness, with a side order of self-confidence. 

I'm doing a few things that go against my naturally reserved state at the moment, but the thing I really want to feel confident about is playing my guitar and singing at the same time.  This is not easy; I'm profoundly impressed by anyone who does it well, as it takes an awful lot of my brain power.  I'm playing and singing more at the church I go to; and so far, I think it's gone really well actually.  I would just love to be able to do it without feeling nervous and self conscious - after all - these people know me and love me, so how bad can it it actually be?

One of my favourite verses in the Bible is Joshua 1:9.  It says: 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."(New International Version)

This is pretty clear really.  I don't need to worry, because God is always there with me; whether I'm playing the guitar in public or actually doing something properly scary.  Now I know not everyone believes in God, or that what the Bible says is true.  I do though - and I'm just wondering how amazing life would be if we  could actually manage to live out our lives according to some of these awesome promises.

John Ortberg has written a fabulous book (actually - he's written many - check out http://johnortberg.com/?page_id=2) called 'If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat'.  It looks at the famous incident in the Bible where Jesus walks on water, and Peter tries to walk to him (see Matthew 14).  The book explores how although this looks like a big failure for Peter, he was actually the only one brave enough to have a go; and how much he learned from this experience.  Then it goes on to look at how we only develop as people if we step out of our comfort zones and try something new.

So although it would be easier to just buy some boldness from a shop - I know I'll learn more from the process of doing the challenging thing.  I think the only true way to gain confidence is by facing up to the scary thing and doing it anyway.  So I guess it's time to just 'woman up' and get on with it...