We talk about all sorts of things: life, learning, God the universe and everything really. We also spend a fair amount of time talking about relationships.
One story I've told them recently, is about something that happened to me just over ten years ago...
It was the summer after my first year of university, and I was spending the day with Cath, one of my old school friends. Cath wouldn't mind me telling you that she'd had a very bad track record with men; habitually attracted to the bad boy who would behave badly and treat her even worse. It pained me to see her hurt - again.
I concocted a plan. I got her to write 'The List'.
This list was to have all the characteristics she wanted in her next boyfriend on it. The main part of it was full of non-negotiables, the things that weren't up for discussion. Then at the end, she added a few preferences...
She felt a bit daft writing it, so I (happily single at the time) decided to write a list too. I made it comically specific:
- Male
- Christian
- Aged 20-25
- Caring
- Secure in himself
- A bit taller than me - maybe 5 foot 10
- Brown, curly hair
- Brown eyes
Now I know there's nothing magic about writing a list like this - of course not. And I know that sometimes the people we marry aren't always 'our type'. I would have still married Paul if he'd had different colour hair (!)... I still think it's a good idea to think about what you really want in your partner, and then stick to it; it might help in relationship disaster prevention!
Cath, my lovely school friend, now has a lovely list-fulfilling husband of her own, and a beautiful new baby too. It's amazing what can happen in ten years, isn't it?
I have to say my own husband is also the love of my life -but actually if my naive slightly immature self had written a list at 21 just before I met him then actually he might not have ticked the boxes I would have put at that time (I could have done with a Gill to do some disaster prevention for me in earlier years!) - but I didn't write a list, I just knew that after months and months of friendship (during which all our mutual friends waited impatiently for us to just realise how we felt...) I realised I just couldn't be without him!! and I have matured and become a better person, in large part because of him and we have grown together - and now I couldn't imagine how anyone other than him could ever be the one for me!! Thank God for my lovely husband and our beautiful family xx
ReplyDeleteAh, the famous list! I remember you talking about this when we were at uni.
ReplyDeleteDid I ever tell you that I wrote one, inspired by yours, in my third year. I had run away to Glasgow to recover from the realisation that I had once again been dating a bloke totally unsuitable for me. I wrote a really long list - 35 things - with the intention of 'keeping me out of trouble" with the wrong sort of bloke.
I pretty much forgot about it after that, but had learnt my lesson about going out with blokes before I had a chance to realise what they were really like.
When I started seeing Chris I kept saying he wasn't my type and I didn't know why we'd got together. He wasn't exactly the big burly chap I had imagined I might end up with.
When the list came up in conversation he asked to see it. I e-mailed him a copy without really thinking about it and was gobsmacked when he sent it back with a smiley face after 34 of the things on the list.
Here's the one exception - copied from the e-mail:
"About my age - up to 5 or 6 years older - About the only one I truly fail on!!"
The thing is, he's 20 months younger than me and to me that's "about my age". So he got the full 35. My housemate at the time, who had endured the "not my type" angst for a couple of months, mocked me mercilessly.
Seven years on, and after five years of marriage, I love him more than ever, even though he doesn't alway live up to the more lofty characteristics I listed all those years ago.
Anyway, thanks Gill, you were always a wise old bird, even when we were young things...